It gets a meh…

So, someone has a squeaky toy at work .

All you hear is paper rustling, a random phone, typing, chicken pecking, stapler….

it’s silent for a minute. SQUEAK!!!SQUEAK!!!SQUEAK!!!

turns out someone brought their baby to work, but it’s also National Bring your dog to work day- but dog’s arent aloud in this building.

So the squeaking, just makes me sad.

It’s no surprise that Hollywood has been struggling for movie idea’s for decades now. Neglecting the foundation of a good story; the writer. Yet, actors that can barley speak english or open a door are given an exorbitant amount of money, to  simply  appear on-screen. For what?  So you can see someone who looks good and takes direction on-screen in barely there clothing? Watch porn instead. 

People watch movies to enjoy an experience. To see a perception through different eyes. To relate to a character that makes you feel like yes, there are others out there like me. Or just to watch a movie unlike anything else out there, think “Life Aquatic”, “Rushmore” or “Igby goes down”. If you haven’t at least heard of these movies I beg you to seek them out and open your eyes to a world outside of boobs and explosions. Don’t get me wrong, I love boobs and explosions just as much as the next guy but there comes a point where mindless numbing entertainment actually makes YOU dumber for watching it. 

Growing up, we establish fond memories with some of the movies we’ve seen in our childhood. These memories hold a special place in our hearts from a first date movie to having a movie night at home with the family.  Yet, Hollywood insists on raping my memories of these movies by remaking them into some deformed looking clone that should have been left in the oven and then shoved down the disposal. 

Recently, they have released movies such as “Nightmare on Elm Street”, “Halloween”, “Transformers”, “King Kong”, “Death at a funeral”, “G.I. Joe” and are currently working on “Short Circuit”. You would think after a few of these remakes flop at the theatres, they would get the hint? I guess you need a soul to realize something isn’t working. although G.I. Joe and Transformers were initially t.v. shows, they have managed to ruin their reputation beyond what I could have imagined. Looking back, a lot of these were cheesey as hell, but so was  “Saved by the Bell” and you loved it, don’t lie. 

Of all the movies Hollywood gets their grubby little paws on, there at least 5 that stick out in my mind that should NEVER be remade. Why? The simple fact is because these movies came out at a time when it was appropriate. They had actors who defined the movie and established its place as movie legends. 

1) Back to the future 

Let's gun it to 88!

Marty : Wait a minute, Doc. Ah… Are you telling me that you built a time machine… out of a DeLorean? 

Biff : Since you’re new here, I-I’m gonna cut you a break… today. So, why don’t you make like a tree and get outta here? 

Oh and 

Marty: Are you trying to tell me that my mother has got the hots for me? 

Doc Brown: Precisely! 

Marty: Whoa, this is heavy. 

Doc Brown: There’s that word again: “heavy.” Why are things so heavy in the future? Is there a problem with           Earth’s gravitational pull? 

There is no way you can ever replicate any scene from this movie without pissing me off. Every actor, every scene was perfectly executed. This movie is a classic and if Zac Effron finds his way to making a “Back to the Future 4”, my boot will find its way to his ass and anyone else involved 

2)Ghostbusters 

Don't cross the streams!

Dr. Egon Spengler: There’s something very important I forgot to tell you.
Dr. Peter Venkman: What?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Don’t cross the streams.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Why?
Dr. Egon Spengler: It would be bad.
Dr. Peter Venkman: I’m fuzzy on the whole good/bad thing. What do you mean, “bad”?
Dr. Egon Spengler: Try to imagine all life as you know it stopping instantaneously and every molecule in your body exploding at the speed of light.
Dr Ray Stantz: Total protonic reversal.
Dr. Peter Venkman: Right. That’s bad. Okay. All right. Important safety tip. Thanks, Egon 

All I’m going to say is, Bill Murray, Dan Akroyd, Sigourney Weaver, Harold Ramis , Ernie Hudson and god damn Rick Moranis. I know they are making a 3rd Ghostbusters but don’t ever revisit the first one. This movie inspired me to unroll as much toilet paper and paper towel rolls to make my own Proton Pack. The second movie was horrible, even the cast agreed but this is a classic. Who doesn’t know who “Slimer” is? 

3) Top Gun 

I feel the need.... the need for speed

Iceman :”you two really are cowboys” 

Maverick :”what’s your problem Kazanski?” 

Iceman: “you’re everyone’s problem That’s because every time you go up in the air, you’re unsafe. I don’t like you because you’re dangerous.
Maverick: “that’s right! Ice…man, I am dangerous. 

Then Goose dies.  A great movie but there’s something else that makes this movie awesome. The soundtrack, “Danger zone” performed by Kenny Logens. Now Tom Cruise is one crazy mofo now, but back in the day his confidence and arrogance made Maverick who he is today. 

4) The Breakfast Club 

We're all pretty bizarre. Some of us are just better at hiding it, that's all

John Bender: You know what I got for Christmas this year? It was a banner fuckin’ year at the old Bender family. I got a carton of cigarettes. The old man grabbed me and said “Hey. Smoke up Johnny.”
 

Andrew: I taped Larry Lester’s buns together.
Brian Johnson: That was you?
Andrew: Yeah, you know him?
Brian Johnson: Yeah, I know him.
Andrew: Well, then you know how hairy he is. And when they pulled the tape off, most of his hair came off and some – some skin, too.
Claire Standish: Oh my God 

Every generation has their own coming of age story which they can relate to. Now, I was too young to understand this movie when I was younger. After watching this recently, this movie encompasses all the trials and tribulations you go through when you’re in high school, with the appropriate amount of stereotyping.   

If they were to remake it, who the hell would they cast to play Molly Ringwald, Emilio Estevez , Judd Nelson and Anthony Michael Hall? No one, there is no talent left to play characters that were this true. Maybe Shia LeBouf but he’s made his mark in the piss stain that is “Transformers” the movie. 

5) Big 

Yes, I'm a man- child

Bank Teller: How would you like that?
Josh: [after he and Billy discuss it] Three dimes, a hundred-dollar bill and 87 ones 

Tom Hanks has this amazing ability to pull you into the character. During the late 80’s, toys were booming there was creativity running through companies on how to make the next “big” toy( pun intended). Now, it’s all Japanese toys and video games and Facebook. You can not remake this movie simply because the younger crowd simply won’t get it.  Again, no other actor has the talent to invoke the innocence that Hanks did with his character including race-car beds, old school Pizza-Hut and Pepsi products. Let’s not forget, the sleazy 80’s business guy. They were the worst of them all! 

I’m not saying that if done right these movies wouldn’t strike a nostalgic cord with the people who grew up watching it. But these  movies simply won’t work now. Everything is in 3D or animated. filmmaker’s have lost the passion that makes a movie something you talk about and remember. Maybe it has always been like this and I never realized it until now. Simply said, you can take Optimus Prime out of Cybertron, but you can’t take Cybertron out of Optimus Prime. 

~Stay classy

It's over BITCH

As some of you know, I have been very vocal about my complaints with BB&T. It was time to move on to something better, something healthier. This is my letter to the bank and I meant everything in its sincierist form. 

“Good afternoon, although I understand your company is in the business of money management, it has come to my attention that your attempts to collect money from your customers is nothing less than ill-gotten. From hidden fees, collection fee, a cryptic language explaining your services and charging $2.00 for calling to speak to a customer service representative. I am appaled and disgusted that I trusted your company with my money. I could not be happier to tell you that I will be closing my account in the near future. I appreciate all your “concerns” with my account, after the fact that you’ve made your quota for filling your stocks. 

I hope in the future, you will realize that the American public is sick of arrogant self-proclaimed “financial advisors” that do nothing but find ways to take  our money. You hire people who do not speak english, have horrid attitudes  and yet you expect us to continue funding your vices of greed and selfishness. 

You have lost yet another customer and I hope that you will take this to heart and eventually, you will find yourself asking, “what happened?” ‘

Why is it that cops are allowed to get away with failing to obey traffic laws? I am baffled! Baffled I tell you, just the other day we were driving and saw a cop tailing the car in front of us. Typical, used to seeing that but he must have figured we were watching so he backed off a bit. Turns out, he just wanted to cut us off, which is ok if you’re a cop;  I understand there a lot of scary things in Ashburn, like people with expired tax stickers!!!

Not only does the 23-year-old speck of a cop driving cut us off, he then tails the car in front of him, cuts off another car and runs the yellow light that clearly turned red as he approached it. Now I’ll give him  the benefit of the doubt that perhaps, he got a call and had to flee to the rescue.  As we cross the intersection, there he is  in the drive through lane at McDonalds- I know I know the fillet-o-fish is only a dollar, but seriously you’re just a prick.

~Stay classy